wish you were here

The meeting went fine.

I feel like shit. Not only because I’m sick, that’s physically. But mentally I feel like crap because I’m trying to form in my head how to tell a boy that I’m not interested in him without totally breaking his heart.

I asked Mike and Eirik for their advice on this today, and they both just kind of gave me that guy smirk– you know that one, where they’ve been through that conversation and there’s really nothing nice you can say. You could be as gentle as possible and whatever you say would still sound like you’re being hit in the face with a spiked hammer.

And I talked to Randy about it, and though he tried to play Devil’s Advocate in that it’s possible I might be too early in feeling this way, he agreed that me getting into a relationship with someone that I don’t really feel much for– just for the sake of breaking my dry spell– is a really bad idea. If I’m not feeling into it right now, I can’t force myself to do anything. I shouldn’t. It wouldn’t be fair to anybody.

Believe me, I wish I could feel that thing– whatever you’d call the pull to someone– with this dude right now. I really do. He’s a sweetheart, and we have a lot of similar interests. But I just get this feeling about him, and it’s a twofold thing: it doesn’t feel like he’s passionate about anything at all, not even poetry, and even if he felt passionate about me, that would probably freak me out more that endure me to him; and second, there’s really no mystery to him. There’s nothing really overtly strange about him, if that makes any sense.

He’s way more into me than I am into him, and I’m not going to use him for a warm body just so I could try and feel better.

I don’t feel that flapping of wings in my tummy when I see him. It’s usually when I can’t control my body when I know there’s something there.

And it sucks because I know he’d be good to me. I’m not so sure I’d be good to him, though, and that’s what kills me.

Mr. Big Poppa E’s here. I’m full on sickies, trying to take some Allergy stuff to un-stuff my nostrils.

I hope tomorrow’s meeting goes well. It might help the rest of the week go smoothly.

There’s an article on Monday’s shindig in the Sun this weekend.

I would be more excited, but the sinus pressure is killing me right now.

I can’t feel my brain.

Roma was nice– wrote a new poem, worked on a couple of other ones, did a little brainstorming for the novel, and didn’t get bothered at all.

Hung out at Kim and Greg’s and met their new roommate, who’s very nice.

My sinuses are pretty much fucked at this point, and I’m trying to get up a little early tomorrow for the drop. I get the feeling I won’t be able to smell at all by tomorrow.

I have some stuff that I want to write about in here, but I’m still trying to form shit in my head so that it makes sense.

One word in front of the other.

Well, I added a comment system. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not, but we’ll try it out for a little bit and see what happens.

I get the feeling I’ll be staying home tonight, so I’ll probably head down to Roma pretty soon and try to get some work done, if there isn’t a band taking over the place.

I’m getting sick. This sucks ass.

Cat’s leaving today. This, too, sucks ass.

I’m on call this entire weekend. This, as well, sucks ass.

And I didn’t get any work done last night, like I was planning.

But, hopefully, this weekend will be productive. A girl can dream.

Okay, so explain how a guy who likes me can come over to borrow one of my Sandman books (The Doll’s House, to be exact), and stand in my bedroom looking at my books for about 30 minutes and we have some nice conversation, and then leave without making any attempts to kiss me?

I’m really confused at this.

Hmph.

The workshop went really well– though I’m thinking that for next time, I’ll either bring in some prose or just bring page-poems, and save slam stuff for whatever slam workshop we get together. With slam poems, if I want to workshop, it’s more about the content and not technical stuff like endstops and enjambment, and really not even at all about the performance– at least, not with an early draft.

I’ll have to think some more about the linear vs. lyrical discussion that Uncle Andy and I had earlier. I want to be able to switch those modes back and forth in my writing, while incorporating both in some ways.

I have to say though that it’s really nice to be back in a workshop again, even if it’s a little thing right now. I’ve been so holed up in my own brain for the past three years, it’s nice to hear some other voices say something constructive.

Though I think we should bring in a poem early so we can have a week to look at it and ponder over. Trying to critique something that just invaded your brain is really difficult. Plus I like to write all over things, and have time for last-minute ideas that jump into my head, ’cause most of the time I have things I think of after everything’s over.

Yeah. Push things forward.

I’m also trying to form in my head how to explain how my last “relationship” 2 years ago really fucked me up. And it doesn’t involve poetry at all– at least not in the traditional sense. Or something.

I had a really disturbing dream last night, where a dragon, a la the ones in Reign of Fire, flies over my house on a completely storm-cloudy day:

Dragon
To see a dragon in your dream, signifies that you tend to let yourself get carried away by your passion. This kind of behavior may lead you into trouble. You need to exercise some self-control. In the eastern cultures, dragons are seen as spiritual creatures symbolizing good luck and fortune. To dream that you are a dragon and breathing fire and everyone, suggests that you are using your anger to get your own way.

Clouds
To see fluffy white clouds in your dream, signify inner peace and spiritual harmony. An issue in your waking life may be clearing up. To see gray and gloomy clouds in your dream, signify depression or anger. Your decisions may be clouded in some way. To see menacing or stormy clouds in your dream, indicates an impending eruption of emotions. It also represents a lack of wisdom or confusion in some situation.

(From Dream Moods Dictionary)

So, basically, I’m just really angry and confused. I’m 17 again!