wish you were here

Sorry I’ve been quiet.

This morning I woke up with just enough of a cold to leave work early.

But it’s been nice to not do anything the rest of my day. Tomorrow, however, is going to be hell. I’m really hoping I won’t feel worse than I do today.

Fonzie is now severely traumatized by my nephews. I, however, got a nice workout. Food was good. Very quiet.

I hope your day was uneventful and good as well.

Tomorrow is a mourning moon. I’m hoping that people aren’t crazy.

I’m finishing a birthday present tonight.

This isn’t a bad thing. I don’t think.

But I find that I hang out with guys way more now than I have in the past. And I love you all, but I miss having Girls Nights Out.

Or maybe I just miss the feeling of being chased.

Or chasing someone.

Or feeling like, “yeah, I can deal with that.”

I wanna put arms around my lonliness.

The Postal Service’s song “Natural Anthem” is really cool.

I don’t usually make deals
because my end always comes through
and these days all I can seem to say
is that I love you too
but even layering love in prayers
seems to slay my sense of equality
’cause I keep trying to love
and it does come back to me
but there’s this little thing
called feeling lonely
that I’m thinking on calling in favors for
’cause I swear to god
I’ll never put a pen to my head
and write ugly on my brain ever again
and I swear to god
I’ll stop dreaming of seas made of sand
and I’ll believe every I love you
even if I made them say it
even if I didn’t make them say it
even when I say it to myself
I don’t know what kind of prayer
to offer for a kiss
but my god
it had better change my life
’cause I’ll take back
all his phone calls I never answered
and every time I ran away from him
standing there, similar scenario, different face
I’ll even remember
the nights with my lovers
I’ve tried so fucking hard to erase
I’ll even remember the nights with my non-lovers
that I’ve tried so hard to remember
tell me what I need to do and I’ll do it
what words do I need to put in what order
to sort this out?
most of the time I feel so lost
I hold myself back from using spiritual tactics
like staring at the back of his head
and mentally daring him to stare back
and walk over and say
“in a year, I wanna be laughing with you”
and I wanna sleep under Vegas desert skies
and southern California orange blossoms
with the starlight so diffused
we’d swear god had swept the sky just slightly with light
and I want the darkness to feel just as safe
and I swear to god
I’ll take every advantage I can
to tell the truth
to the people who need to hear it
and to the people who don’t wan to hear it
and even to myself
’cause in my short life
I want my memory to be long–
no
I want my love to reach a long way–
no
I want my friends to remember me for a long time
and I swear to god
I’ll stop looking at my life in a gray
colored by the ashes of dead friends and parents
staring blankly at the sky
as if ghosts were the ones making clouds
and pushing the sun west
’cause I’ve been loving dead people too long
been in love with dead relationships too long
and feeling like death is contaigious
for far too fucking long
please
just tell me what to do
I won’t even do spells
or sacrifice goats
or cut myself
down
anymore

This was my afternoon yesterday.

I’ve had a (mostly) brilliant week.

I try not to think about certain things. About how I look. About how is it that boys can’t see my beauty. About how jealous of my friends I am sometimes. About how much it hurts to see those friends in pain.

In the end, I guess it doesn’t matter. I just feel so sheltered sometimes, so fucking inexperienced. I’ve been lonely for a very long time. I’m starting to count the time before the last boy I was with. And the boy before that. And possibly even the boy before that. Four and a half years.

I just want to project what’s on your heart, that picture of me you have in your head, on a wall and let the world know. Maybe it would help with the search.

Today, I think, I’m gonna go to Redrock, and visit Eric, and hopefully do some writing.

Then there’s the Hosts Feature down at the Coffee Bean for Mark and Megan’s first reading there tonight. I may have a new piece done for it.

I worry about people. I just do. You, too, you know.

Pillows and blankets and calm and warmth.

You’re missing from this equation.

Yes, I got into a fender-bender tonight behind Carl’s Jr. No, it wasn’t serious. Yes, I’m fine. No, the damage isn’t bad (an accordioned license plate and scratches on the front bumper, he actually got a dent). Yes, I’m shaken up and don’t want to drive anywhere. No, I won’t use this as an excuse not to drive. Yes, I’m probably going to be dreaming about this for awhile. Help.

The second ever accident. The first where I was driving. I’m actually not sure what to do now.

Other than that I was having a fabulous day. And I was appreciating it. I wonder what I did to make this happen.

Now I’m really tired and would rather just sleep in tomorrow. But alas, no. I want my mommy.

Sometimes. Sometimes.

I just wish. Sometimes. That I wasn’t that person you go to after people die.

But I’m always flattered and glad that they can come to me.

It creates purpose, even only for a moment.

And yes, I am really glad you showed up to be included in our group. I am always of the belief that there are friends who will always be there, even if all your friends are important, and even if all those friends are in flux.

That being said: I miss my Evil Chickies.

At work, right after I got there, one of the other readers come up to me and said, simply, putting a hand to my back to balance some energy, “I just want you to be happy.” Me too, sister.

I just keep wondering when my body’s going to stop showing when I’m tired and out of it. I’m just not good at acting awake when I’m not.

But I had a good night tonight. And yes, I missed you.

So I hope you read this having a good evening. Or morning. Or afternoon.