wish you were here

I really don’t have any updates, mostly because I’m running poems through my head for Nationals, and everything else is to clear my mind out.

Sometimes, it’s just good to be with people who only occasionally remind you of the Ole Days.

It is really strange to run into my brother at a bar. Not strange as in “holy crap, it’s my older brother, I need to behave,” but there are a lot of things I feel weird talking about in front of him, especially after he’s had a few; in particular, the subject of my parents.

Most of you guys know me to be fairly open about them. He is not. I know he tries to reach out to me by writing his own thing and asking me to read it, but he hasn’t shown me anything. He’s interested in me doing slam. I think he’d make a decent slam poet.

He just reminds me, every time I see him, how in denial I could be about my life. Maybe there are some things I am in denial about– if you think there are things, I hope you would tell me.

But these days I am tired. Really tired. Fatigued, almost. I really want to take the next couple of weeks and get ready for Nationals. Really, get ready. Because after that? I have no idea. Decisions will have to be made.

I figured out why I feel like working out is not working. I need to stop drinking, or drink only one drink if I’m going to drink. I really don’t want to make up for that anymore. Or at least I could not eat so much during the day, as I’m counting calories, and save it up for the evenings.

Or I could just go to wine. That could work. It’d probably be better for me in the long run, anyway.

Too knockered to really talk about anything coherent. I plan on sleeping a lot tonight.

You guys are so good.

If you weren’t there, we ripped the “All-Stars” a new one… just kidding. It was a good match. I pretty much knew who we were going up against. But the judges were really difficult tonight. I think Andy K scored the highest with like a 26-something.

But we made quite a bit in donations. More than I ever thought we’d get.

Otherwise. I’m infinitely fucking tired. I’ve been running around all day getting the CDs together. I got enough sleep last night, but it’s catching up with me now. Tomorrow will be more laid back– just work, working out, and Beth Lisick tomorrow night (hey we stayed at her house last year on tour, I gotta represent), so I plan on taking it easy.

I know what I’m waiting for. I don’t know what I’m waiting for.

That Jeff Buckley line… Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run.

There’s something in my face today that’s making people who don’t know me say, “Get better, okay?”

I like being busy, but it’s starting to wear on me. And I’m feeling a little depressed about going the gym. I’m not seeing the results I was seeing before, and I don’t want to feel like I have to step things up more than I already am, which is quite a bit from what I was doing before.

I don’t feel caught up yet. I feel like my body’s rebelling against me because of this. I feel fatter than I ever have. But I’m determined.

Tomorrow I have to master, copy, and create covers for the slam team CD. And then try to memorize a piece for the slam tomorrow night.

It’s getting there.

I have been re-affirmed by my friends lately. Even if it wasn’t immediately obvious.

Busy busy. And more things to do tomorrow, like finish merch for the slam on Thursday.

I like when I can ask honest questions and not get a look.

I’m going to cry.

We’re going up against NYC Urbana in our second bout at Nationals.

It’ll be my first time slamming against Taylor Mali, so maybe that’s a good thing.

Still. Weeping.

Drinking.

Yeah. It’s bad when your friends can pretty much tell you, even though they haven’t seen, how much you’ve had. Just by the tangents you take.

But. The hiccups suck just as horribly anyway.

I would get so much more work done if I could not pay attention to spoken word, especially if it’s bad.

Found a live version of Hem’s “When I was Drinking” at Archive.org. You (as in, a collective y’all) should download it.

Entropy. You found my word.

What was that old computer term? GIGO? Garbage In, Garbage Out?